Diffuse an Argument, Then Move to Solutions

By Kare Anderson

The moment you start getting very specific with yourself about what you can do differently when you see the next possible conflict arise, you will become more comfortable with how you will actually respond when it happens. Here are some very specific step you can take that follow from the first part of this two-part series on how we resolve conflicts sooner:

Ten Ways You Can Stop a Conflict from Escalating

1. By thinking about your own needs in Step One, you zero out the resentment of the other side. Essentially, since you no longer will consider them the enemy, you have curbed their resentment.
2. A Roundtrip helps you main your objectivity. It's far more difficult to resolve conflicts when you have strong emotions about the other person.
3. Since Step One requires you to identify your own need first, it eliminates the natural frustration you would feel in not knowing what you want.
4. By taking the time for Step Two, you slow down the pace of the discussion. Rushing the beginning of a relationship often makes the other person shut down.
5. Step Two also helps you avoid the easy assumption that the same kind of offer works for every person and situation.
6. Step Two prevents you from being overpowering, thus preventing the other side's natural antagonism from increasing.
7. By speaking first to the other side's needs in Step Three, you demonstrate that you have placed their needs above yours, and you therefore avoid appearing selfish and unfair.
8. With Step Three, you do not appear to be an antagonist. It's a maneuver that will help heal the situation.
9. With Step Three, you are more likely to propose solutions the other side can accept because you have given yourself more time to recognize what they want most and want most to avoid. You make fewer untested assumptions about the other side's needs and desires. Consequently, you will not appear oblivious or thoughtless.
10. In summary, by taking a Roundtrip, you will always be able to find the best mutual interest, even if you are given a very short time to make a decision.

Tip: Because we respond more strongly to the negative actions of people for whom we have strong feelings than to those of strangers, allow yourself more time to get back in balance in these cases.

Ten Approaches for Offering Your Solution

1. Picture Each Person Benefiting in Some Way.
   You have come up with a proposal you think is fair to all parties and have shaped your offer so that the everyone will see it in the best light possible. Before you speak about your own needs, you have addressed their needs first and worked through whatever obstacles or power issues that have surfaced. Now it's time to make a firm offer. You hope that it will be accepted quickly without fuss. However, in the real world even the best proposal won't go through if it is presented in a way people can't accept. Your manner of presenting your proposal will be more important than its solid core. There are surefire ways to sabotage a good offer.
   • Present it with open contempt for the other side.
   • Give in to your fear that it won't be accepted.
   • Act in anger or with animosity.
   • Bully others or play king of the mountain.
   According to Abraham Maslow, "People take action in order to satisfy essential human needs."

   Tip: Everyone needs to feel heard before they'll listen.

2. Don't Talk Before You Are Prepared to Reach Agreement
   If you start talking with the other person before you are ready to reach an agreement you could wind up with less than you want. Be sure You have gotten what you want out of the situation (Step 1).
   • The other person has felt heard.
   • You are emotionally ready to settle.
   • Check your heart and your mind before you open your mouth to seek closure to the conflict.

   Tip: The more opportunities you provide for others to participate in a situation along the way, the more likely they will stay with you to ultimately find a solution.

3. Demonstrate Continued Good Will
   At the beginning of conflict, we look for signals from others that tell us how they will act. Later we use these signals a screen through which we view their actions.

   Because first impressions make the strongest impact. So when presenting your proposal, make sure your initial tone, gestures, and language show that you have good intentions. Succeeding impressions are not so important. New, different information about what someone is like is often disregarded. Continue to be congenial, specifically because this could be the state when you get more impatient, restless, or judgmental as you become tired of the process and the other side. You might try to:

   • Minimize your defensiveness.
   • Bring out the other's better sides.
   • Orient yourself so that you will look for the other side's more positive traits.
   • Demonstrate your own best traits.
   People are more inclined to be willing to resolve a conflict with someone they consider fair than with someone they like, but don't trust.
4. Don't Leave Your Most Important Points for Last
   Don't raise your important points at the beginning of the discussion, nor at the end of the discussion. Waiting until the end can close off some of the best options for trade-offs. Reach agreement on your key items before you make any gesture toward finalizing agreement. When the other side avoids discussion of their most important needs, their avoidance will eventually impede progress toward resolution.
5. Ask Another, Mutually Respected Person to Mediate When Necessary
   A fair and neutral witness can make everyone involved in a conflict feel safer and more heard, especially when it's necessary to review items over which you have become deadlocked. This person may be a friend, colleague, or a professional mediator. It doesn't matter as long as the person chosen by both sides has the training and strength of character to stay focused on the solution, whether you are using the Roundtrip or another approach. It's also wise to have a third party act as witness to your final agreement. It's an extra bit of insurance—sometimes the other side may not live up to the agreement, and if there is a witness, it's harder to avoid making commitments.
6. Stay Flexible
   Be, and appear to be, flexible to keep the momentum going towards a resolution. This flexibility also will restore the momentum where you have gotten off track. Observe how the others are reacting to you and your proposal. Stay flexible so that you can correct yourself and shift gears to make the situation to feel safer and more fair. If feelings seem to be escalating or the other person appears to be shutting down, ask for suggestions and express your willingness to look at other options. If you appear to grow more rigid, even if the other side is doing it too, the others will become wary, suspicious of all your future suggestions.

   Tip: Keep cool under fire by keeping your bottom line on top of your mind.

7. Honor Everyone Else's Role in Coming to Terms
   Acknowledge the participation of others. Listen and thoroughly consider other people's opinions at the moment they are presented. If you disagree immediately or counter with another suggestion, reactions will remain hardened long after this particular discussion. Acknowledge the respect you feel for the others involved. Speak to the relationship you have built. Mention that you respect the people who are important to the other side.Praise specific contributions the others have made and let them know you appreciate their efforts. Make sure that the other side will share your satisfaction in coming to agreement. It's very important that the resolution appears to be arrived at together.

   Tip: "The opposite of a fact is a falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth." Niels Bohr, physicist Before you get up from your seat, make a commitment to yourself to practice just one of the techniques described in this article. Better yet, find a colleague or close friend who will share that commitment, so you can compare notes with each other throughout the week.

Kare Anderson's next book comes out in March, on this topic: "Resolving Conflict Sooner: The Powerfully Simple 4-Step Method for Reaching Better Agreements More Easily in Everyday Life" ($10.95, The Crossing Press, ISBN 0-8954-976-8)

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